But no more than on a normal day
Although that then begs the question
What is a normal day
And is anxiety normal on a normal day
For normal people
But I’m not talking about other people’s normal
I’m talking about my normal
And a normal day for me is normally filled
With anxiety bubbling away under the surface
Sometimes it rears it’s ugly head
Sometimes it stays where it is
More recently it’s been fading away into nothingness
As I heal from past traumas
But then
Something happens
A life changing event
That drags up trauma upon trauma
Healed and unhealed
I thought I was ok, but I’m not
Anxiety levels rising again
I feel on edge
But no more than on a normal day like I said
I hope it stays there, under the surface
I focus on the sound of the tube
And keep my breathing steady
I’m ok
But then I step out onto the street
I see words on a sign.
Words that remind me
of what happened
I try to refocus
“Just walk” I tell myself “and breathe”
It’s too late and I know it
I suddenly feel every single vein in my body
Constricting like a boa around its prey
Heart rate increasing
I can’t stop it
“Grounding techniques” I say on repeat in my brain
But my body won’t cooperate
“Just walk then”
I say to myself
“One foot at a time”
Focus focus focus
Visions getting blurry
Colours blending together
Breathing is getting harder
Voices all around me
Getting louder and louder
But I can’t make out any words
Sirens suddenly go off
Now the panic sets in
They’re coming for me again
I can’t breathe
“Focus! Focus”
“Another step.”
“Another step.”
It’s like my brain and my body are separate entities
My brain in one place, my body in another
Sensations I can’t explain, I’m suddenly conscious
Of every organ, every blood vessel, every nerve
In every part of my body
I feel like my body is fighting itself
Pushing and pulling me in different directions
Focus. Focus
One more step
By now I can’t see at all
Just lights, colours and noise flashing in front of my eyes
Yes, I said noise, I can see it everywhere
The noise in my brain now louder than anything else,
Heart pumping like a piston on a steam train
But the steam has nowhere to go
And I’m about to implode
Focus, just focus
One more corner
Will I make it?
My chest is so tight
I can’t breathe at all
It’s just caught in my throat
Is this a heart attack?
No, its just a panic attack
‘Just a panic attack’
